Nechci zbytečně zakládat další thread, zvlášť vzhledem k tomu, že následující příspěvek je (zatím) dostupnej jen v angličtině.
Rozpracovanej popisek k jednomu starýmu obrázku, použitej pro kurs tvůrčího psaní na anglistice. Překlad a případné rozšíření možná bude následovat...
Jsou tam pochopitelně chyby a tak, ale už je po prvním dedlajnu a tohle musí stačit...
The Truth About Sleeping Beauty
(About the bold and beautiful prince's journey to the Slumberland and his never coming back)
Prince knew the story, of course. Story about the beautiful princess sleeping in a far away enchanted realm, locked in the tower, roses and thorns all around.He was a romantic young lad, and his head was full of tales, fairy tales, legends, dragons, damsels in distress and such...
And when he was offered a choice between „either getting finally married and settling down or getting the hell outta the royal palace and finding some other dad to give him money and pay his debts“, as his father aptly put it, he turned to these tales for inspiration and information. He, of course, knew about many single princesses, some of them quite sweet fresh eighteens. But just visiting the maid’s parents, bringing them some outrageously kitschy ‚betrothal gift‘ (euphemistic expression for a piece of dust-gathering trash) from the royal treasury and asking them for their daughter’s hand he found awfully dull and uncool. But as he did not actually like the idea of fighting a mean dragon either (however cool it was), he had to find some kind of compromise. Something adventurous, but not too hazardous. Sleeping Beauty was the best choice.
When he informed his father about the decision he had made, the only response he got was „Yeah whatever, sonny, just get the hell out of here and don‘t come back without a girlfriend!“.
And so he set on the long perilous journey. Though, to be honest – to call it perilous would be sort of an overstatement. It was only very long and very boring. And although boredom is one of the greatest evils in this as well as in other worlds, it doesn‘t really put your life at risk, as long as we assume that „get bored to death“ is a mere figure of speech. Prince was quite disappointed. He expected an adventure and instead he got a lot of bad weather and real bad saddle sores, which was very unpleasant and extremely annoying, but far from adventurous.
And then, one day a strange pink shimmering sphere appeared in front of him some six feet above the road. To his surprise, the shimmer took a shape of a very luscious female mouth and said: „Welcome to Slumberland, home of Sleeping Beauty. I am the Guardian. State your business.“
Prince took the book of fairy-tales out of his bag and listed through it. „That‘s odd... There’s no mention of you in this book, you’re not supposed to be here. What does this mean?“
The mouth sighed and said: „This means, mister Goldilocks, that you’ve got an outdated edition. Now state your business here or get lost.“
„I am the prince who’s going to kiss away the evil magic that...“
„Ah, I see. So you came to wake up Sleeping Beauty. Gads, another one.“ Guardian’s voice sounded quite annoyed. „You all think it’s so damn easy... I feel obliged to warn you, lad. Many have tried. She’s still asleep. Didn‘t it slip into your mind that there might be some catch?“
„I fear no evil powers. My heart knows no fear and the blade of my sword...“
„Oh cut it, pansy.“ The mouth barked angrily. And then it went ahead in a much friendlier tone: „Why so formal? Why do all princes and knights have to sound so hammy... Look, there’s not much I’m allowed to tell you. But rose bushes ain’t the worst catch. They used to be quite nasty once, but man, they grew old and meek decades ago. But it’s still a week‘s journey from here and it‘s just not worth it.“
„Why?“
„First of all – if you met the little spoiled brat when she was still awake, you’d never want to wake her up now. Second – well, you’ll see if you actually decide to ignore my well-meant warning.“ Guardian replied. „And last, but not least – with a princess comes a bonus of a kingdom that has been asleep, neglected and unkept for a century or so. Just look around, lad. It’s a frigging wilderness. Whatever was of any use or worth here was stolen by looters. Houses are falling apart. Roads are barely recognizable underneath all the dirt and vegetation. Most people dead... No reasonable person would want an estate like that.“
„I thought the people were asleep...“ Prince said, with a confused frown.
„You should update your library, really.“ The mouth smirked. „That applied only to the aristocracy. Should warn you that they’d best stay asleep, too, by the way. Or do you really think, that anyone would waste a thought, let alone some mighty kickass magic on peasants? They fell asleep, grew old while asleep and died while asleep. It’s as simple as that.“
„Oh. I see.“
„So. Still determined to undertake another week’s journey to take a peek into Beauty’s chamber?“
„Yes.“
„Mudhead. OK, here’s the instructions: Follow the red heart-shaped arrows, enter the castle, go to the tower, up the stairs, into the chamber. You shouldn’t encounter much difficulties, really. Take a GOOD look at the girl and decide whether you really want to wake her up. If, by any chance, you decide to do so, kiss her on the mouth. Nothing else will work I’m afraid.“
Mischievous sparkles brightened prince’s eyes for a moment. „Really NOTHING? Absolutely nothing?“
„Oh, you men are all the same. The answer is – yeah, nothing.“
„Thanks a lot.“ Prince bowed and spurred the horse on. „Bye bye, hotlips.“
„Yeah, whatever. Pig.“
Indeed, after having followed the red heart-shaped darts for a week, Prince finally arrived to the castle. Once it must have been a magnificent building. And the roses gave the whole scenery a fine dark-romantic edge. „Wow. Beautiful.“ Prince mumbled, quite enchanted by the sight.
„Ah, look George! Another one. Poor thing. Doncha think he’s quite pretty?“ A voice came from one of the rose bushes. Prince yelled and almost fell of the horse’s back.
„Oh yes, Darleen, he‘s quite a hottie,“ another bush replied. Yes, there was no doubt about it. It were the bushes talking. „Say, what’s your name, cutie?“
Prince would love to answer, but he was too paralysed to speak.
„Ah, he’s so scared, George... Aww, adorable. How old do you think he is? Twenty?“
„I’d say his mid-twenties, Darleen. Hey, lad. Don’t be so frightened... Tell us your name.“
„Uh...“ Prince was still unable to utter a word.
„Uh? Don‘t think so.You look more like a Jonathan. I’ll call you Jonny.“ The ‚George‘ bush said in a cheerful voice.
„So! Jonny. Going to give the chick a wet hot one?“
„Err... Yes.“
„Wouldn’t you rather kiss me?“ The ‚Darleen‘ bush asked. „Please...“
„I’m not into kissing greenery, sorry...“ Prince said apologetically.
„If you don’t kiss me, Jonny, I won’t let you in.“ And to prove her words, she stretched out a bunch of tentacle-like branches that barred the doorway. „Awww, c’mon.“ She begged. „I don’t bite. I don’t even scratch or throttle anymore. Just a kiss...“
Prince sighed, got off his horse and approached Darleen. „Um... Where do you want it?“
„Aaaah, here...“ She purred and one of the blood-red blossoms gently carressed Prince’s cheek. He hesitated for a few moments and then kissed the blossom.
„Oh yummy... Lips of petals, honey-breath...“ Darleen said and unlocked the door. „Good boy. Sometimes I so regret that I was made a rose bush... Okay. The way is free now. Good luck.“
„Thanks,“ Prince replied. „Would you keep an eye on... Oh. Just – watch my horse till I come for him, will you?“
„It’ll be our pleasure, honey-cakes.“ George and Darleen assured him unisono.
„Enjoy yourself up there, heheh...“ George added. For some reason, it sounded very sarcastic.
Prince was getting a bit worried. Nevertheless, he entered the palace and followed the arrows till he came to the staircase that lead up into the chamber at the top of the tower. He went upstairs and there at last he found a door to Sleeping Beauty’s place of rest.
„Ready or not, here I come...“ He said to himself, with a self-contented smile. He opened the door and went in. And there she lay. In her bed, behind a curtain. He could see her slender silhouette. He approached the bed and took a deep breath. A real nasty smell filled the whole room, but he decided to ignore it. Still trying to solve the dilemma whether to kiss her first and screw her afterwards or vice versa, he pulled away the old curtain and... The moment he first glanced at her, the dilemma solved itself. Neither. Guardian’s warnings and George’s sarcastic remark suddenly made perfect sense. He’d rather kiss a thousand rose buds than this thing. Let alone...
„Oh shhhh...“ Prince turned away from the obviously long dead no longer Beauty and threw up. Either she had been no aristocrat or something was very, very wrong here.
„What‘s the problem? Don‘t you like her or what?“ A sarcastic voice came from behind the window. Prince looked to the window and wiped the tears out of his eyes. „Is that you, George?“
„Nope. Me Mervyn. You seem a tad disappointed, Jonny.“
„Disappointed?“ Prince said ironically. „Not at all. She’s drop dead gorgeous.“
The rose chuckled. „Heheheh... Now that was a good one. I like your sense of humor, man. Looks like you’ll have to search elsewhere. But it was nice to meet you, really. Bye bye.“
„Come on. This can‘t be it...“ Prince protested. „There must be something behind all this. Some kind of test. Trial by fire.“
„I’d say trial by maggots.“ Mervyn replied. „OK, I will tell you a secret. She looks dead, smells dead, but guess what?“
„She ain’t dead?“
„You are smarter than you look, Jonny. Yup. She’s not dead. But I ain’t telling you any more. I’ve already said enough. Or maybe just one thing... I’d suggest you forget about what you just heard and go back home. It’ll be better this way.“
„So why did you bother to tell me about it...“
„I like to make things complicated.“
„Screw you. And you know what? I will be the one to actually do it. I’ll kiss her, she’ll wake up, all her youth and beauty will be restored and I’ll marry her.“
„Man, they shouldn’t have taught you how to read. It messed you up. But do as you wish.“
„I will.“ Said Prince, with grim determination. And he did as he said. He bent over the sleeping princess, closed his eyes, held his breath and gave her a quick kiss on the teeth (she had no lips anymore). And indeed. She stirred a bit! And then she sat up and rubbed her eyes. And looked at him – and fell in love in an instant.
„Ooooh, rrreeeehyyyy!“
„She says, you’re pretty.“ Was Mervyn’s translation.
„Why does she still look so dead?“ Prince gasped and stepped away from her. „Wasn’t the kiss enough? Do I have to fuck her, or what?“
„Yeeeeeeehhh!“ Beauty nodded her head furiously and started to unhook her dress.
„She certainly would appreciate it.“ Mervyn replied. „But unless you are a necrophile – and I’ve gathered you are not – you shouldn’t waste your time and energy. It won’t help.“
„You could have told me, you bastard!“
„Why? This is fun. If I told you I would never see this adorably dim and confused look on your face. You‘d understand if you could see yourself right now...“
„Your idea of fun is at odds with mine.“ Prince growled, grinding his teeth.
„Hooo-ooooh hoooonnnngh?“ The cadaverous form stood up and stretched the remains of her arms towards Prince.
„Hnnnghy?“
„Do you love me?“ Mervyn translated, gloating. „Honey...“
Prince graced the princess with the most apologetic smile and shook his head. „Sorry babe, but pieces of you are rotting away... You’re not my type, sorry. A thousand times sorry times sorry with a big fat juicy sorry on top.“ Was it him or did Beauty just snarl? „Not to mention that you deserve better, Beauty. Much much better.“ He quickly added to calm her down.
Her high-pitched wail chilled him to the bone.
„You see... The trouble is...“ Mervyn said. „...that they said she would sleep for a hundred years and death would not touch her, but they kinda forgot about time, maggots and funghi. Time is a mean bitch so it did touch her, as you can see. Maggots and shrooms just joined in.“
Princess made a step towards Prince.
„I say – run, lad." Mervyn said. "She looks mighty pissed. She was never good at accepting ‚No‘ as an answer.“
And Prince turned away to run. But just two steps later, he tripped over and fell. He looked at the obstruction that caused his fall. It was Beauty’s long hair. Apparently, they had kept growing all those years.
„Oops...“ Was Mervyn’s laconic comment.
„Oooh hhchay!!!“
„She humbly begs you to stay, Jonny, in case you didn’t quite catch it.“
Prince looked up. The last thing he saw was something heavy descending on his head. When he collapsed, Beauty grabbed his leg and dragged him to her bed.
What ensued I’d rather not describe. In a way, Prince got lucky in the end, for he was now truly and perfectly dead and thus totally oblivious to all the abominable things I said I would not describe. And Beauty? She could not be happier. She loved Jonny truly, deeply and passionately and he no longer protested. And so they rotted happily ever after, until the end of time.